When you come to where your broken within, the light meets the dark.

This past week has been a week of just utter defeat. I went to this conference at my church called B.L.T. (Not bacon, lettuce, and tomato). It was amazing, to say the least. But of course, when you prepare for battle, the enemy attacks. And apparently my armor wasn't as strong as I made it out to be. I let the enemy defeat me. He has a way of getting to my "chinks" easily. Now before you think the wrong way, a chink is a weak spot in one's armor. And the enemy is very familiar with my chink. And I let him jab me there, all the time. One of them is boys. And unfortunately, even though I reminded myself, and my friends reminded me, I still put this guy before God. So, of course I had to learn the hard way. But, I am glad he did this. It was painful but at the same time it was a smack to reality. If I really want to be in a relationship that I need to be in, the guy needs to fight for me. He needs to pursue me. Because I am done with guys. 

Another "chink" that the enemy loves to sink his sword in, is perfectionism. I know I'm looked up to a lot, especially by the middle schoolers. And I love them, so much. I want to be someone that they could come to for anything, and not feel hesitant. I care for these kids so much more than I thought I would when I started helping out. And well, when I mess up, I tend to beat myself up more than anyone. If I make the slightest mistake of something, I just get so disappointed in myself. And I'm afraid that someone who looks up to me will be disappointed too. Yes, I am human, I know I make mistakes. But that's what my whole life has been. Mistakes. Not finishing what I start, which I still do. Telling myself that I'm a "baby" and I shouldn't have done this or that. And I won't let it go. I keep holding grudges against myself even when I know that God has forgiven me. When I make a mistake that was really dumb, I just picture God pointing his finger saying, "Why did you do that again! I told you so many times not to!" Just being so disappointed in me. 

I'm fully aware of what you're thinking. "God always forgives", "He'll never leave you". To some extent, yes that's comforting. But I'll admit, I'm stubborn and I usually have to learn the hard way. And these answers aren't enough sometimes. The only person that can help me is myself. It's nice to be comforted, and it's nice to have those friends who stick with you, but that doesn't stop the way I feel about myself. If I do something wrong and I know it's something that's already said and done, it eats at me. And I feel horrible. Even when I'm forgiven, these things just haunt me.

I am working on this, and it's not as bad as it used to be. So don't freak out and always worry about me, but prayer is very much appreciated and always works.

But, I've decided a lot of things today, and that I have a lot of goals for myself starting the year of 2011. For one, I will be dating God for a year starting the moment of January 1st. I'm also going to try reading the whole bible in the duration of a year. I'll post the list so that anyone can help me be accountable, if they wanted to. 

I just really needed to get this out, as this is a low-point in my walk right now, and that the walk with Christ isn't a bed of roses, and it's not anywhere near easy. But,

James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

And that is what keeps me going, my brothers and sisters in Christ. That's why I'm doing all this. Because the God who created the Heavens and the Earth, wants a relationship with me, and would go right back on that cross if that's what it took for me to love Him. And I am beyond grateful and unworthy of his magnificent grace. So don't lose hope in this, because I will praise him in this storm, for 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. Therefore I will boast about my weakness so the power of Christ may strengthen me."

I love you, truly. yes, you. 

-Yella Bella BEAST