When you come to where your broken within, the light meets the dark.

This past week has been a week of just utter defeat. I went to this conference at my church called B.L.T. (Not bacon, lettuce, and tomato). It was amazing, to say the least. But of course, when you prepare for battle, the enemy attacks. And apparently my armor wasn't as strong as I made it out to be. I let the enemy defeat me. He has a way of getting to my "chinks" easily. Now before you think the wrong way, a chink is a weak spot in one's armor. And the enemy is very familiar with my chink. And I let him jab me there, all the time. One of them is boys. And unfortunately, even though I reminded myself, and my friends reminded me, I still put this guy before God. So, of course I had to learn the hard way. But, I am glad he did this. It was painful but at the same time it was a smack to reality. If I really want to be in a relationship that I need to be in, the guy needs to fight for me. He needs to pursue me. Because I am done with guys. 

Another "chink" that the enemy loves to sink his sword in, is perfectionism. I know I'm looked up to a lot, especially by the middle schoolers. And I love them, so much. I want to be someone that they could come to for anything, and not feel hesitant. I care for these kids so much more than I thought I would when I started helping out. And well, when I mess up, I tend to beat myself up more than anyone. If I make the slightest mistake of something, I just get so disappointed in myself. And I'm afraid that someone who looks up to me will be disappointed too. Yes, I am human, I know I make mistakes. But that's what my whole life has been. Mistakes. Not finishing what I start, which I still do. Telling myself that I'm a "baby" and I shouldn't have done this or that. And I won't let it go. I keep holding grudges against myself even when I know that God has forgiven me. When I make a mistake that was really dumb, I just picture God pointing his finger saying, "Why did you do that again! I told you so many times not to!" Just being so disappointed in me. 

I'm fully aware of what you're thinking. "God always forgives", "He'll never leave you". To some extent, yes that's comforting. But I'll admit, I'm stubborn and I usually have to learn the hard way. And these answers aren't enough sometimes. The only person that can help me is myself. It's nice to be comforted, and it's nice to have those friends who stick with you, but that doesn't stop the way I feel about myself. If I do something wrong and I know it's something that's already said and done, it eats at me. And I feel horrible. Even when I'm forgiven, these things just haunt me.

I am working on this, and it's not as bad as it used to be. So don't freak out and always worry about me, but prayer is very much appreciated and always works.

But, I've decided a lot of things today, and that I have a lot of goals for myself starting the year of 2011. For one, I will be dating God for a year starting the moment of January 1st. I'm also going to try reading the whole bible in the duration of a year. I'll post the list so that anyone can help me be accountable, if they wanted to. 

I just really needed to get this out, as this is a low-point in my walk right now, and that the walk with Christ isn't a bed of roses, and it's not anywhere near easy. But,

James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

And that is what keeps me going, my brothers and sisters in Christ. That's why I'm doing all this. Because the God who created the Heavens and the Earth, wants a relationship with me, and would go right back on that cross if that's what it took for me to love Him. And I am beyond grateful and unworthy of his magnificent grace. So don't lose hope in this, because I will praise him in this storm, for 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. Therefore I will boast about my weakness so the power of Christ may strengthen me."

I love you, truly. yes, you. 

-Yella Bella BEAST

Dear Future Husband,

First of all, I would like to apologize in advance for my insanity. But onto your love letter. I just want to say that I can't wait to meet you! As impatient as I am at this very age, I know that we're both not ready to be together, obviously. If we were, then we would be together by now, right? Well, wherever you are, and whoever you are, I know that God is going to work in us together as one SO MUCH. It'll be really tough, but through Christ all things are possible. I think the biggest thing I have to say right now is that I need patience to wait for you. And for you to pursue me. I don't know who you are, or if I already know you. I'm trying my best to encourage myself that whether I know you or not I shouldn't be worrying about this because God's got this and I just need to trust that He'll just place you in my life at the perfect time. If that's already happened, SWEET! But even if it hasn't, which it probably hasn't, that's still awesome. I still have a LOT to work on, Hun. But once I'm not worried about meeting you anymore and focusing on what God wants, then maybe I'll meet you then. But for now, I just need to think about my God, my grades and my .... greatfulness? :) Anyways, I love you! And I'm so happy that God chose you to be my husband, because I know that God is going to put someone in my life who is perfect for me, and I'll be perfect for you. I'm already in love with you! Silly I know. But, I think this is the way a lot of us should think. Either remind ourselves not to worry about it, or just keep living your life for God! Which I hope you're doing right now too. It would displease me to know you're thinking about me when you don't even know me. Hah...Hah... This is only to inform my peers on what I'm thinking right now...I'm not obsessing over anything. :) But I know you'll be awesome. I love you, and I'll see you...when I see you! Have an awesome life ahead of you!!!

So, there's this boy...

Alright, so before I go on, I don't have a preference as to how many times I'm going to write in this. When something is on my heart, I'm writing. Well, technically typing.

ANYWAY!

 I'm sure all girls have said this statement at least once in their life, "So there's this boy..." Well for awhile, being a teenager and everything, my hormones are raging and probably will be for the next few years to come. I've jumped from liking one boy to another. I haven't "dated" or had a "boyfriend" since about May of '09. And though I sometimes get lonely or sad, it really is less stressful. Think about it, guys and girls! When you don't have a significant other of the opposite sex, you have time to work on yourself when you finally find that person. And as mean as this is, you don't have to worry about always pleasing this person. We're in our teenage years! We need to have fun in life instead of having someone connected to our side all the time. A boy or a girl doesn't define our happiness. In fact, in the long run, it will probably cause more sadness and grief than you had before you were in that relationship. I know, I know this is all the cookie-cutter cliche crap that we're all told. But sometimes we really need to listen to this stuff because it's true. 

Now, I'm not saying I haven't had a boy that I clung on to or revolved my world around. Actually, I was and sometimes still think like that. I've used guys and they've used me. I've been manipulated and thought that I was in love more than once. Now, right at this moment, I'm still contemplating if I really "fell in love" before. But if I want to grow and mature in God, I can't be holding on to my past. Plus, what i want in a relationship is totally different than what i wanted then. 

Things change, people. I'm telling you! So, this one guy that I've gotten to know a little bit is catching my eye at the moment, but if I met him before I was a legit Christ Follower, I probably wouldn't have given him a second thought. But now I have different views and opinions about what I want and need in a guy. But; even if I meet a guy whose heart is devoted to God at this age, doesn't mean God wants me to start a relationship with him.

*NEWS FLASH TO ALL CHRIST-FOLLOWERS! JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE CHRISTIAN DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE THE ONE FOR YOU* 
Shocking, right? Well, considering that we still are humans, and have different personalities and thoughts about things, there are some things that I just will not tolerate in a relationship. We can go into details about those later. But right now I'm trying to just focus on God, because in all sincerity, that's really all that matters. God will provide a guy for me whether it be in a month or a year or longer. And I'm okay with that! Honestly, I know I'm not equipped to be in a God-based relationship. If I don't intend on marrying a guy that I like, I'm not going to waste my time giving my heart out. My heart is not only my treasure, but God's gift to me. I don't want to break His gift. And I'm taking care of it as much as I can now. Because He's so awesomely amazing. Ah I love God. :DD




Well, Again whoever is reading this, YOU ARE AWESOME. Forreal. Goodbye:) for now.
- Yella Bella BEAST

There is power, in the name of Jesus.

It's really strange how one moment you can be so happy, and the next minute you crash. And when I say crash, I mean crash really hard. 

Before I started writing, I wanted to write lyrics of songs that made me feel happy and positive. And then it got a tint darker in the room. And I automatically started feeling lonely and I personally don't even remember why. But the song Break Every Chain that I first heard at B.L.T. Staff Retreat that was in my head all day popped in my head, and one of the lyrics is "There is power, in the name of Jesus". The past hour has been a spiritual warfare between feeling joyful and sad. Turning up the worship music and just immersing myself in the LORD's presence has been what's kept me from freaking out. 

I really want to encourage anyone reading this, if you ever start feeling lonely, just a hint of it, don't get pulled down. Keep yourself up, get motivated and stay positive. Yea, I know, easier said than done. But when you really trust God, and shout the name, "JESUS," it feels so comforting knowing that the Creator of the Earth is right there beside you, and keeping you from falling. I know it took me awhile and I'm still working on it. So don't be discouraged when you mess up. Here's something that I'm sure you've NEVER HEARD.

EVERYONE messes up. Yup. It's true. But guess what? God doesn't care what you've done. He loves you before you knew Him! He will still love you when you spit in His face! There is NOTHING that you can do that will cause God to stop loving you. Ever. So don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise. 

I didn't really know where this was going to go. I also didn't know it was going to take this long. But I hope you all enjoyed my first blog, those who read it

And I truly love you. The end. For now. :)

-Yella Bella BEAST